Parenting in the Age of Performance
What our kids mirror back about authenticity, distraction, and the digital pacifier
I overheard my 8-year-old scolding my 5-year-old recently—impatient, dismissive, harsh. My stomach turned. I recognized the voice. It was mine.
Children aren't just mirrors—they're funhouse mirrors, exaggerating our worst habits until we can't ignore them. And unlike us, they haven’t learned to hide those reflections behind social niceties.
The Inheritance We Don’t Mean to Give
Think about your relationship with your own parents.
If you're honest, hasn't at least some of the strain over the years come from recognizing yourself in their worst moments?
Their impatience becomes yours.
Their anxiety manifests in your overthinking.
Their criticism echoes in your self-talk.
Yesterday gave me another uncomfortable reflection. My 8-year-old threw a tantrum when I demanded he clean his room. Already stretched thin, running in twelve directions, I snapped:
“Keep going with this rude language, and let’s find out what happens.”
His eyes widened. So did mine.
I hadn’t thought it through. I just wanted control. I was short on patience and trying to get results as quickly as possible.
The Power of the Pause
I took a breath and made a different choice.
“Seriously,” I said, cracking a small smile. “Let’s find out what happens. Because I have no idea what would happen next.”
He smiled back.
“Man, I’m really stressed." I continued, "I have 100 hours of things on my to-do list and no time to do them. It feels really bad when you’re rude to me, when you make things harder instead of easier. Can you please help me by getting your room cleaned up?”
“Sure, Dad,” he said, his smile broadening. The room was clean within minutes.
Vulnerability creates alignment where authority creates resistance.
This worked because my son knows he's safe—I've never used physical discipline, and he knows he's loved unconditionally. But more importantly, it worked because I stopped performing parenthood and started practicing it.
The Performance of Perfect Parenting
There’s a gap between who we are in public and private. One voice for when others might hear, another when we think no one’s listening.
Except someone is always listening.
Those little mirrors are always watching. Always absorbing.
A University of Washington study found that children as young as 15 months adjust their behavior based on whether they think adults are watching.
They're already learning to perform rather than simply be.
We’re raising children who know how to look good rather than how to be good.
The Authenticity Paradox
We tell our children to be themselves while maintaining different personas for different audiences.
We preach honesty while modeling performance.
We demand they handle frustration maturely while we snap or withdraw when overwhelmed.
Ask yourself:
Would I be proud if my child handled this situation the way I’m handling it right now?
Not: Would I be proud if another parent saw this?
But: Would I be proud if this became my child’s emotional blueprint?
The Deeper Modeling Crisis
And it’s harder now than ever.
We’re not just managing our own emotions—we’re doing it while getting pinged, compared, tracked, and nudged to perform our parenting online.
Every time you're uncomfortable. Or bored. Or anxious. And you reach for your phone—you’re teaching them that those feelings aren’t safe to feel.
I’m far from super dad. I don’t love going to the playground. I struggle with imaginative play. At 6'5", I don’t fit on jungle gyms.
It’s easy to pull out my phone to escape the moment.
But every time I do, I’m teaching my kids that the moment isn’t worth staying in.
A 2019 study found that 70% of parents check their phones at the playground.
We’re teaching our kids that:
Human interaction is interruptible
Discomfort should be escaped
Boredom is an emergency
Every time we reach for our phones instead of sitting with difficulty, we teach them that inner experience is something to be escaped.
My son’s tantrum wasn’t really about cleaning his room.
It was about feeling unseen in a house where attention is split between real life and the digital feed.
The Restaurant Study That Changed How We See Phone-Distracted Parenting
In 2014, pediatrician Dr. Jenny Radesky sent observers into fast food restaurants to watch how families interacted. What they found became one of the most cited studies on parental phone use.
When parents were absorbed in their phones, interactions became:
Harsher
Shorter
Less frequent
Or disappeared altogether
Children would act out to reconnect. Parents, interrupted mid-scroll, would snap. And the cycle would begin again.
This wasn't about parents taking a quick photo or checking the time. It was about sustained absorption—the kind where you look up and realize ten minutes have passed. The kind I've found myself prone to, and the reason I no longer bring my phone in to restaurants.
Radesky’s work confirmed what we all suspected:
Our phones don’t just distract us from our kids— They change how we respond to them when they finally break through.
The Path Forward
This isn’t about another parenting book. Or another app to track your screen time.
It’s about recognizing the truth:
Our kids are showing us who we are when we think no one important is watching.
But they are most important.
They’re watching.
They’re learning.
They're learning that:
Public and private behavior don’t have to align
Authenticity is optional
Discomfort should be medicated with distraction
And every time we ask them to smile for a photo to send to Grandma or post online—especially when they’re not having fun—we’re reinforcing that performance matters more than presence. That how things look is more important than how they feel.
When we ask our kids to perform joy for the camera, we’re teaching them that appearances matter more than experience.
It’s a small moment. But they add up.
And they send a message: be likable, not real.
The MODEL Framework
We don’t need perfection. We need practice. As I thought about it, I came up with this framework I’m trying to use in my own parenting:
M — Mirror check
Before reacting, ask: Would I be proud if my child handled this the way I’m about to?
O — Own your emotions
Name them out loud. “I’m stressed. I feel overwhelmed.” It’s not weakness—it’s modeling emotional fluency.
D — Ditch the performance
Resist the urge to “look like” a good parent—especially in public or online. Choose connection over image.
E — Embrace the pause
Take a breath. Delay the reaction. Leave space for a different, better response.
L — Lead by being human
Show them that adults are still learning too. Vulnerability isn't failure. It's leadership.
At the end of the day, what am I trying to do?
My goals aren’t really about screen time:
Be at peace with my own decisions. Be the same person in private as in public.
Protect my mental space. Stop letting it be colonized by other people’s priorities.
Raise humans who stay present. Who can sit with discomfort, process emotion, and handle difficulty with grace.
Parenting gives us a gift-- it's an opportunity and excuse to examine our own behavior and try to become the version we want our children to reflect.
If we do it right, it's not about living vicariously through them.
It’s about living consciously alongside them.
Leading by example.
Becoming the best version of ourselves for them.
And, in the process, becoming the best version of ourselves for ourselves.