My five-year-old is an intrepid adventurer with the most amazing mindset I’ve ever seen. He is surprised and delighted on a daily basis when things work out for him—big or small. When he asks, “Dad, can I help vacuum?” and I say “Yes,” he beams a smile that lights up all of New Mexico.
But what strikes me most is the way he treats fear. Not as something to be avoided, not as a sign that he should retreat, but as a signal that he’s about to grow. He sees it, acknowledges it, and walks straight through.
Fear at the Pool
This summer, he learned to swim. Every time we arrived at the pool, he would look up at me and say: “Dad, I’m scared. Let’s go jump in.”
That’s the key—he didn’t deny the fear. He didn’t pretend it wasn’t there. But he didn’t let it control him either. He named it, accepted it, and then took action anyway.
And with repetition, the fear transformed into confidence. By the end of the summer, the pool wasn’t a place of fear at all. It was a place of joy.
Remember— bravery doesn’t mean not being afraid of things. It means doing things even though they’re scary.
Climbing Walls and Inner Voices
Last winter, we went to the climbing gym for a birthday party. For much of the day, the wall was his adversary. He climbed halfway up, froze, and either scrambled back down or called for help. Over and over, he failed.
But he kept getting back on. Again and again. No drama. No quitting. Just persistence.
And then, eventually, a breakthrough. He reached the top. The celebration was pure electricity. For the next hour, he climbed that wall nonstop, belting out his own little victory song:
“This is easy for me! I didn’t think I could do it but it turns out I can do it! This is easy for me!”
That refrain has been stuck in my head ever since.
The Gift of Discomfort
What a wonderful gift: to embrace the discomfort of trying, failing, and trying again until you break through. He doesn’t yet have the vocabulary for “growth mindset” or “cognitive reappraisal.” But he lives it every day.
And he’s taught me something I need to remember as an adult: the moments when I feel fear or resistance, when I don’t know if something will work—those are the very moments when growth is happening.
“We need to cultivate the courage to be uncomfortable and to teach the people around us how to accept discomfort as a part of growth.” - Brené Brown
What the Research Says
Psychologists have long studied the relationship between discomfort and growth, and the findings echo what my son instinctively practices.
In 2022, researchers Kaitlin Woolley (Cornell) and Ayelet Fishbach (Chicago Booth) ran a series of five experiments across domains ranging from improv comedy to political dialogue. Their conclusion: when people were encouraged to seek discomfort as a signal of growth, they engaged more deeply, persisted longer, and ultimately felt more accomplished than those who were simply told to “do their best” (Woolley & Fishbach, 2022).
In other words: reframing discomfort from a threat into a sign of progress changes everything.
This lines up with Carol Dweck’s influential work on growth mindset—the belief that abilities are not fixed traits, but can be developed through effort and practice. People with a growth mindset don’t interpret struggle as failure; they interpret it as learning. That perspective fuels resilience.
And resilience, in turn, is what allows us to keep going when we want to quit. Research on post-traumatic growth shows that even after major adversity, people can emerge with new strengths, deeper appreciation for life, and stronger relationships. Growth and discomfort are not just correlated; they are intertwined.
“Growth is uncomfortable because you’ve never been here before – you’ve never been this version of you. So give yourself a little grace and breathe through it.” - Kristin Lohr
Why Adults Avoid What Kids Embrace
So why does this come naturally to a child—and feel so hard for us as adults?
One reason is that kids are beginners at nearly everything. For them, discomfort is the default state. They’re constantly confronting things they don’t know how to do: swimming, spelling, climbing walls, tying shoes. They’re used to failing forward.
By contrast, adulthood rewards expertise. We’re promoted for what we already know, not for how willing we are to stumble into what we don’t. Over time, we get addicted to competence. We stay in the lanes where we look polished and capable, avoiding the embarrassment of failure.
The irony is that this protective instinct is exactly what stunts growth. We confuse comfort with success. But in reality, comfort is stasis. Discomfort is the sign we’re expanding our edges.
Everyday Discomfort
You don’t have to face a climbing wall to practice this. Discomfort is woven into daily life, if we’re willing to see it that way.
At work: Give a presentation when you’d rather hide in the back row. Lead a tough conversation with a colleague. Pitch an idea you’re not sure will land.
In relationships: Say “I love you” when you're not sure if you'll hear it back. Apologize sincerely. Set a boundary.
In personal growth: Jump into the ocean. Signup for the class you feel underqualified for. Try to cook something new.
In all these cases, the temptation is to interpret discomfort as a stop sign. But research and lived experience suggest the opposite: it’s a green light.
“Whenever you’re feeling moments of discomfort, that means true change is happening for you.” - John David Washington
Reframing the Signal
Woolley and Fishbach’s work is particularly helpful here. They found that when participants were explicitly told that discomfort is a sign of learning, their behavior changed dramatically. They leaned in. They persisted (Greater Good Magazine summary).
That’s a simple but profound reframe: When I feel uncomfortable, it doesn’t mean I’m failing—it means I’m growing.
It’s the same lesson my son has been singing at the climbing gym: “I didn’t think I could do it, but it turns out I can do it!”
Practicing It Ourselves
So how do we put this into practice as adults? A few ideas:
Name the discomfort. Just like my son at the pool: “Dad, I’m scared.” Naming it takes away some of its power.
Anchor to the why. Remind yourself what the discomfort is for. Is it building a skill, deepening a relationship, living more aligned with your values?
Use micro-reps. Just as muscles grow by being pushed slightly past their limits, confidence grows by pushing slightly past your comfort zone, over and over.
Celebrate breakthroughs. Mark the moment when something scary becomes easy. Sing your own little victory song.
The Call to Embrace Discomfort
The easy path is to avoid discomfort. But avoidance is a dead end. My five-year-old knows something we forget as we grow older: fear is not a barrier, it’s an invitation.
Discomfort is not a detour on the way to growth. It is the way.
And the next time I’m tempted to retreat, I’ll remember his voice, bouncing off the climbing gym walls:
“This is easy for me! I didn’t think I could do it but it turns out I can do it!”
(I just want to acknowledge my sister who pointed me towards Michael Easter's book "The Comfort Crisis" last year, which got me thinking about this. It's still sitting in my to-read pile, but I'll get there soon. Thanks, Rach!)